You are captivating.

The reason a woman wants a beauty to unveil, the reason she asks, Do you delight in me? is simply that God does as well. God is captivating beauty. As David prays, "One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek...that I may...gaze upon the beauty of the LORD" (Ps. 27:4). Can there be any doubt that God wants to be worshipped? That He wants to be seen, and for us to be captivated by what we see?

(excerpt from Wild at Heart by John Eldredge)

A few of us were talking the other day about whether or not refering to a woman as "chick" is derogatory. I could give my opinion on this but that's not the real issue here. I am just wondering why I get so heated and defensive when it comes to women. Whenever I hear the word feminism (lately spoken with a negative connotation) my blood starts to boil in defense. Just mention the word and anger emerges. I may not vocalize it but its there. If you wanted to offend me you could very easily do so by delving into this subject with me. I do not know where this anger came from. Perhaps it birthed from the interaction of my parents or the jerk boys I met at school or my desire to be strong and independent and valued.

I am realizing that I do hold a bitterness against men. That is why this year is so significant. I am finally building relationships with men, slowly learning to trust them, cautiously realizing that trustworthy men exist.

But throughout middle and high school my views were much different. I did not dress up (except when performing or going to dances). I hated to even think that some stupid guy would look at me in the wrong way. It made me sick. So I stuck to my t-shirts and pajama pants, proud to dress how I darn well pleased. It was my way of controlling the situation--controlling the sick minds of men. Ha. I'll show them. I'm just beginning to learn that it's okay to be feminine, to dress up, to wear things that are flattering.

This all came up in a conversation with Melissa today. That's when I, for the first time, started to vocalize this buried anger. I, for the first time, realized how much of my interaction with men and women in the past has been affected by this. She recommended a book called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. John wrote Wild at Heart. Captivating is a similar sort of book about women. I've only read 40 pages but already highly recommend it for both women and men alike.

There is more here that needs to take place in me than just forgiving men. I need to find what it means to be woman. Not my "womanly" roles and duties. heck, no. This is, also, about unveiling the character and beauty of God. I'm discovering Him in ways I never knew existed. He unveils His beauty through women!