Friday, May 06, 2005


I feel torn right now.

Background information:
I got to read through a couple of scripts with my radio drama buds. And they are certainly a group of characters, let me tell you. They are so talented, pulling remarkable voices and imitations out of who knows where. The scripts really are hilarious and the voices and energy of the group add so much life to the jokes. But, then, I'm sitting there feeling torn because, first of all, I am self conscious of my acting and, second of all, I'm cursing every other line. I've been struggling with this for awhile--wondering what I've gotten myself into. Why did I jump so quickly into it? I kind of wish I could go back in time and erase my decision to get involved. I mean, the whole point originally was to reach out to these wonderfully creative and bizarre people but I just don't know if I'm accomplishing anything now other than compromising my deepest beliefs. What am I representing now? I certainly don't want to be fake or legalistic now either. Isn't it, after all, just words? I hear hip Christians all over the place cursing. But, it is so hard for me to accept that it's just words. There's something so ugly about it. And, after this afternoon, I just felt sick. How could I praise my God with that very same mouth? It isn't just that, of course. I'm thinking about my acting, too, and how shy I was today (I always get that way when with a group of new people I don't know). So what in the world am I doing?

I was going to sit down tonight and write a cool story about my childhood or something like that but this is all that could come out. It's weighing so heavily on my chest.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, in acting, period, there's probably eventually going to be some stuff you don't want to do or say.. A character you don't want to be. So the question is, where do you draw the line? I mean, it's "acting" right?
I dunno - I'm not too big into role playing. My sister's into drama, and I can tell when she's putting up a fake smile or pretending to be 'pleased to meet you', even though she could care less sometimes. I guess the whole acting carear kind of bugs me. (I'm sure there are some wonderful people in it, but in general the whole acting thing is questionable to me.)
Hmm well, do you like have to cuss in there?
Oh did you get my e-mail?
Well I gtg to class ttyl :)

9:49 AM  
Blogger Jason Rasmussen said...

Do not compromise your beliefs and convictions whatever you do. That's the easy answer. The hard answer is how do you give up something you love and want to be a part of? I totally agree, cussing is not appropriate and they tend to be people's favorite adjectives. They are not just words, as all words are representative. The name "Jesus" can be said in deepest praise or foulest curse. Words have meanings, and Jesus is so much more to me than a word said passively and flippantly.

Just by sticking with your convictions they will see something is different with you. Often they will respect it, sometimes they will not, and it is hard being rejected if it comes to that. And sometimes you never know what God has in store, just because you followed Him. Something that may seem very dark may turn into the brightest light, and oh how much brighter the light will shine in the darkness.

11:28 PM  
Blogger Rae said...

first of all i would just like to say that your background is coral pink, and i think thats funny.

more importantly: i have to agree with jason. when you were asking what to do i didnt want to be someone to shake my finger at you, i wanted you to find your own answer through reflection and prayer. However if you have doubts or guilt it might not be the healthiest thing. also, you have shown the desire to clean up your speach, so that what comes out of your mouth reflects what is in your heart. If this is a challenge for you then you should NOT do the drama, whether you are acting or not... what goes in comes out (thats why ive tried so hard to clean up what movies i watch, technically im just watching them, but as time goes by those words and actions creep into my heart) i disagree that hip christians cuss all the time, i would say that christians with a need to feel excepted and cool will cuss.. but thats not us. we are living our lives to glorify God, not to be cool :) i love you Eleanor, and ill be praying for you!

12:12 AM  
Blogger Warrior of Zion said...

Could you talk to your friend about your convictions? maybe being compleatly open and honest will be a witness to him. pray about that. :)

I don't know how you feel about substituting words, thats something that you could probably talk to him about.

I love you Eleanor! I will be praying for you!

12:39 AM  
Blogger Meriliell said...

I really respect your desire for wanting to honor God in anything and everything that you say and do. I don't know what to tell you other than to seek God in this situation. I will be praying. You rock!

11:34 AM  
Blogger CSUF Rock Star said...

I agree with Jessica! That's really good advice. I agree with everybody else too in general; but I think it's good to talk to him and be honest. From my cynical, utilitarian point of view, it's a win-win situation: if you talk to him and he says he doesn't want you to be involved because of that, then you don't have to do it. And if you talk to him and he agrees to let you do it anyway, then you'll be able to do it without compromising. So there you have it! ...I love how I'm commenting on your blog while you're sitting right next to me! And now I'll let you read my comment! Bye!


9:57 PM  
Blogger Idhrendur said...

Well, I certainly fell behind on the blog scene...comes from working on your computer a whole bunch.

And it's all good anyways, cause I have no words of wisdom really. But everyone else has had time to step in with them. So it works out.

7:43 PM  
Blogger Idhrendur said...

Like we've talked about communication. Imagine if I had just emailed you or posted all that stuff on here. We would've missed out on that awesome conversation.

Or imagine if I had actually spoken to you face to face. You'd have gotten a really good hug too. Oh well. I'll do better next time!

12:28 AM  

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